*CHRISTMAS is drawing ever nearer and women will soon be dropping barn-sized hints to their men about jewellery. In the light of that, let me share this one with you.

My wife and I were being shown around a diamond-cutting factory in Antwerp's jewellery quarter. Examples of the finished product were also for sale, stunning creations that each cost more than a detached house.

I pointed to a clasp that had a £435,000 price tag and jokingly asked my wife if she'd like it. This was noticed by a power-dressed woman who asked with po-faced seriousness: "Would sahr end moddum like me to arrange finance?" I thanked the assistant but had to inform her that we already owned loads of the stuff so wouldn't require any more. And then left.

*DOWN on Worcester's South Quay, the old man they call Spoons sits and watches the world go by. The Upton Jazz Festival legend gazes myopically past the swans and into some middle distance of his imagination. Whenever I see him, I am reminded of my favourite poet, W H Davies. What is this life, if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare *YOU might think that some of the over-wordy job descriptions for councillors who are cabinet members are a bit much.

However, I've come round to the view that anything that defines a role is not such a bad idea, after all. In this case, the proof of the pudding usually turns out to be the eating.