FOR a film about the boxing world, The Calcium Kid packs absolutely no punch.

Jimmy Connelly (Orlando Bloom) is a milkman who inadvertently puts Britain's contender for the boxing world title out of action and takes his place.

It's not that Connelly can actually punch or dodge punches, it's simply that he has ingested so much calcium his bones have become rock hard and will injure any man who aims a swing at him.

He hooks up with a useless, money-grabbing agent and an elderly, alcoholic Irish trainer who aim to make him a household name.

Added to the unfunny goings on in the ring, the would-be boxer also falls for Angel (Billy Piper) who takes tartdom to a new level and wears so much slap it would take a lengthy excavation to uncover any facial skin.

This film pretends to be a tongue-in-cheek, fly on the wall documentary but just comes across as a bunch of hugely unbelievable characters in a ridiculous situation, followed around by an idiot camera man and interviewer - neither of whom seem remotely trained in their respective careers.

What starts as a fairly quirky plot barely even makes it to Round 3 still standing.