Party success lies in this county's jewel

Personally, I never become involved before December 24. Being a superstitious poor old country boy, the festive period has never really started for me until all the animals of the farmyard have knelt and prayed at midnight in anticipation of the impending celebration.

Be patient. This reference to an obscure bit of Warwickshire folklore is my distinctively quaint way of introducing the concept of supplication early on in today's sermon.

Anyway, so here we have the three elements - jokes, crackers and prayer. And now to the fourth segment of the equation... a political party known as the Tories.

Former Deputy Prime Minister Lord Heseltine last week called on Tory MPs to mount a rebellion against grassroots members and replace Iain Duncan Smith as leader with Kenneth Clarke.

Lord Heseltine suggested that the Tories did not have "a ghost of a chance" of winning the next election under the present management. Mr Clarke was the obvious leader, head and shoulders above the others, said Lord Heseltine, who suggested the Tories had more political talent on their backbenches than in the shadow cabinet.

I can't go on. The whalebone stays on my laughter corset are cracking with sounds redolent of pistol shots. What a fabulous sense of humour our Lordship must possess. Now, let me get this right - funny little man wearing suede slippers and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx with utterly unpopular pro-Europe policies can unite the party and sweep to power carried aloft by a grateful country.

It's fantastic. How I wish I'd written that one. It's more than a joke - the idea's completely, incredibly, deliciously, deleriously crackers. No, the Tories would be better off resorting to prayer.

So there we are. Jokes, crackers and prayer. All three unite to sum up the Tories' plight. Up politics creek without a paddle.

Such a pity that the party didn't have the good sense to follow old Phillpott's advice - given free of charge, I must add, before the last General Election - and promote Julie Kirkbride, Bromsgrove's she-vixen of an MP.

The Worcestershire politician is quite obviously the Tories' last hope. And if you compare her to Mr Duncan Smith, even the most casual of observers will notice certain differences.

Take hairstyles for instance. Ms Kirkbride invariably sports a rather posh "perm" or "bob" - always pleasing to the eye. Sadly, Mr Duncan Smith has a problem with stylings - he has no hair in the first place.

Now, I would never be so impudent to suggest the fate of nations can be decided by the whims of your average High Street Mr Teasy Weasy. But a head of hair, suggestive of a man o' war in full battle rig, has more dramatic potential than what appears to be a large boiled egg looming towards you through the mist.

This is the difference between Drake's Golden Hind cutting through the waves, eager to trounce the Dons, and the Isle of Wight car ferry confined to port because of a slight breeze blowing up the Solent.

Then there's the vocal capabilities department. Among Ms Kirkbride's scalp collection, hacked from its napper by her razor-sharp tongue, is that of Tony Blair, the blood still coagulating on the Despatch Box.

In contrast, we have Mr Duncan Smith, The Quiet Man. But who the Dicken's wants quiet? Quiet? We want our politics to be LOUD, the noisier the better.

Oi, Duncan Smith - no!

Clothes are vital, too. Male politicians are, unfortunately, hampered by the confines of even the most expensive lounge suit. Because of the demands of doing very little, MPs' togs tend to become creased and shiny-bottomed.

Not so with the ladies. And in addition to always looking freshly turned-out, most garments avoid the leaden grey or oil slick black of their opposite number. No, there are very compelling reasons why the Tories' only hope lies with the election of a woman as leader.

And, at some stage, they will have to choose Ms Kirkbride - who will then join the long list of political heavyweights who have strode forth from this great county of Worcestershire to keep their appointment with destiny.

Mark my words. The prophecies of Phillpottdamus have never been known to fail...

One way the Tories could almost guarantee re-election of course would be to adopt populist, hardline policies of Euro-scepticism.

The fastest-growing new political party in Britain today is the UK Independence Party. Has no one in Tory High Command noticed this? Where does the party's Old Guard now reside - a wendy house on Rockall?

Actually, bearing in mind it was the Tories who sold out this country in the first place, a bit of contrition wouldn't come amiss.

And what's all this "in Europe but not run by Europe" tosh? How is that possible - especially as the British judiciary is now caving in right, left and centre to laws made in Brussels?

Anti-democratic, a pan-European superstate riddled with corruption, enemy of individual freedoms... and costing this country more than a million quid an hour. Come on, Tories, there must be some mileage in this.

You can't all be glued to Big Brother - try watching some current affairs programmes for a change.

The problem with the Tories is that no one's doing the maths. The whole European issue is packed with wind-up potential, crammed with rich veins of outrage, crying out to be mined.

Yet the main parties are all turning a blind eye - and like bacteria that eats itself, must ultimately perish because of voter apathy.

And there's another thing. Vast swathes of the electorate are deserting their rulers in droves. No wonder Worcester MP Mike Foster would like an overhaul of voting habits to stem the rate of desertion.

I believe King Canute had a similar philosophy. However, latest reports from Deal beach indicate that the tide is still coming in, 900 years later...

There is only one reason why people are failing to turn out at election time. And that is because more and more citizens are losing faith in the whole process. Every way you turn, it is possible to see how the system increasingly lets down the ordinary person.

From loss of sovereignty to concerted attacks on ways of life, from globalism to Government corruption, there is now a general feeling of hopelessness among the population.

Westminster is perceived as being a place where deals are done, where MPs vote themselves massively increased pensions and inflation-busting pay rises, yet deny such concessions to vital workers such as firemen.

In a world where no sooner has one double-dealing scandal been superseded by another, is it any wonder that more and more people refuse to endorse those who gladly authorise unlimited resources for economic migrants yet rigidly control pensioners' incomes?

Lord Heseltine's outburst last week is absolutely indicative of what is wrong with the Tories - growing isolation from political reality, where the delusions of the Reform Club somehow leak out and grow like some grotesque fungus into received wisdom.

No, the Tories' only hope of re-election lies just up the road in a Worcestershire town called Bromsgrove. And, come to think about it, this is the second time Phillpott has been obliged to point this out.

I may be a famously patient man, but don't let this happen again. And you'd better believe it - this time I'm not joking, Christmas crackers notwithstanding.