A CHILD with a tear-stained face stands cowering in a corner waiting to be hit or taunted by an aggressive schoolmate.

Sadly, just that scene will be repeated in countless playgrounds all over the country now that the schools have reopened.

Bullying is increasing. A recent survey reported four in 10 children suffering from it, and it can cause misery and trauma that lasts well into adult life.

But what if your child is not the victim but the aggressor? How do you cope if she or he is labelled a bully, accused of making youngsters lives a misery, and attracts the condemnation and anger of other parents, and teachers?

In reality, any one of us can find ourselves the parent of a bully, says Howard Martin, an advisor on the problem for children's charity Kidscape.

"It is extremely hard to face up to the fact that your child is exhibiting bullying behaviour. There is such a social stigma attached to the word bully," he says.

Around five per cent of calls to the charity's bullying helpline are from parents devastated to discover their sons or daughters have been accused of it.

"Everyone likes to think that it is always other people's children who do negative things. It's a terrible shock to realise your own youngster is involved in something so socially unacceptable.

"The parents contacting us experience a mixture of feelings, from being upset to angry. But they also feel guilty, thinking they are in some way to blame by perhaps not sufficiently disciplining or giving the right moral guidance to their child."

His advice is not to over-react or become defensive, but to find out the facts from the school or the parents of the child who has been bullied. Make time to talk to your child and get his version of events. Discover, if he or she admits it, whether there may be a reason for the behaviour so that it can be prevented.

Martin claims children bully for a variety of reasons but cites family problems, such as bereavement or divorce or jealousy of a sibling, as a common factor.

Victims of bullying can often turn aggressor themselves, while boredom or frustration at school, often brought on by learning difficulties, can also be a factor.

HE says: "Whatever the cause, bullying is usually a signal that the bully needs some help. It may be he has no friends and is lonely. Or he feels insecure and unimportant, and bullying gives him power and attention.

"He may have been bullied into joining a bully gang and fear breaking with it. Sometimes bullies don't appreciate how bad their victims feel."

But he advises: "Don't reject your child or call him a bully. Reassure him that you love him and stress it's the bullying behaviour you don't like and will not tolerate."

"It may be that the bullying was just one isolated incident that occurred for a specific reason. Or it may have become accepted and expected that he will bully and he can't break the pattern without help.

"To put it in context, at some point most children will take part in some form of bullying, even if they are just on the periphery of a group which either excludes an individual or jeers or harasses them.

"Not all bullying is persistent. If it is, that is a serious problem which needs urgently addressing so that it does not become a pattern for adult life."

One parent, Kate describes her stunned reaction when she discovered that her 11-year-old daughter had been teasing and provoking a classmate.

She says: "I was horrified and never dreamt she would behave like that, as she's normally kind and thoughtful. It was particularly upsetting as her brother had been bullied and I knew just how awful I'd felt as a parent when I found out and also how angry and hostile I felt towards his tormentor."

She discovered that her daughter felt insecure in her new school, and was venting her frustration on the more vulnerable youngster. "She was terribly upset when she found out how much misery she'd caused her. She apologised to her and they are now quite friendly. But it's taught me that a lesson. I'd smugly thought none of my children could ever behave like that."

Tips on how to stop your child bullying:

Find out if your child is upset, worried, jealous, unhappy, or has been bullied. Consider professional counselling or other support if a family crisis is involved.

Find out if your child appreciates the harm he/she is causing. Emphasise it is not acceptable, will not be tolerated, and arrange for him to apologise to the victim and make amends.

Liaise with the school and arrange for regular reports until your child is back on track. Don't expect overnight improvement.

Work out alternative ways the child could react if he/she finds himself about to bully - walk away, deep breathing, counting to 10 or going to another room to cool off.

Stop any shows of aggression immediately but give your child encouragement and praise if the bullying is not repeated. Help them build their self-respect and teach them the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. If your child is boisterous and quick tempered channel that energy into other activities.

Kidscape bullying helpline for both parents of children who are bullied and bullies can be contacted on 020 7730 3300 or visit the website at www.kidscape.org.uk

101 Ways To Deal With Bullying, by Michele Elliott, is published by Hodder and Stoughton, priced at £6.99.