Three tablets. A smart phone. A PC keyboard. Two DVD players. Destroyed. Ruined. Worthless.

I knew children were going to be expensive. I wasn’t entirely sure how they could be as expensive as you read in magazine articles about how expensive having children is. As far as I’m concerned, they don’t actually need birthday and Christmas presents. I suspect my wife and I disagree on this point. Luckily she likes buying them presents, so I don’t have to worry about it too much. Yes, they need clothes. But there’s a lot of second hand clothes out there. School uniforms tend to have to be bought new. Therefore I’m not a huge fan of school uniforms.

Food is expensive, but there’s a hell of a lot you can do with pasta. Holidays are expensive, but I actually prefer staycations. If absolutely necessary, there are alot of camp sites around. Whatever you do, don’t go to Disneyland, unless you don’t find people wearing enormous heads terrifying (I do), and you enjoy credit card debt.

When storytime descends into chaos

There’s a hell of a lot of money you can save if you’re incredibly mean and grumpy. I mean, there’s a whole world out there of trees and sticks and puddles. Toys are entirely unnecessary. It’s probably a good thing I am not the only parent in our family who makes decisions about these things.

Two watches. A beloved, vintage, high end CD player. Countless books and toys. Countless glasses, items of crockery. Irreplaceable family heirlooms. Several remotes. Countless unknown items sucked up when he hijacks the vacuum cleaner.

My one-year-old son, the most destructive human being I have ever known, is on a one child mission to destroy everything of value in our household. The damage he’s done to the car interior alone… I…

*cradles head in hands*