What is ‘cool’ any way? Who decides? Who sets the standards and regulations? What do I do if I feel I have been unfairly categorised? How do I make a complaint? Who do I write to? What is the appeals process?

I have never been, what you might call, “traditionally” cool. I am a style outlier. I still wear Crocs. They are amazingly comfortable. And it’s incredibly unusual to meet another human, who is neither retired or an infant, who wears Crocs, which arguably means that it is incredibly cool. Doesn’t it?

Again, we need agreed standards about the parameters of cool. When I pass another adult male wearing Crocs, we meet each other’s gaze. There is a moment of mutual understanding. We both know we are rocking a rare, higher level of cool, one that only Croc wearers understand.

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Another way in which I inhabit a higher level of cool is in how I do my Dadding. How many of the so-called “cool” young people on Instagram can improvise a blistering rap about the benefits of tooth brushing? That’s right. None. They would probably say that a dad rapping about tooth brushing is “uncool”. Which just goes to show how uncool they are. Everyone knows that rapping is cool. Fools.

“Yo yo yo, Let’s do some tooth brushing, you know what I mean? Everybody knows it’s cool to keep your teeth nice and clean!”

“Daddy! Stop!” my son pleads. He is a very young person, so obviously has no idea how cool rapping is.

“Don’t stand there talking, there’s no time to whine, get brushing and make those little toothies shine.”

“Aaaaah! Daddy! Stop! I will not brush my teeth if you do that.”

I stop. He brushes his teeth. I win. I am so flippin’ cool.