'I still have days when I just cry'

Sam, of Ledbury, was eight months pregnant and was supposed to be enjoying the festivities with her partner Colin Jones, now 39, and their then two-year-old son Bradley, who is now six.

But the day turned out to be every pregnant woman's worst nightmare when she found herself in hospital being told that her unborn daughter had inexplicably died.

Now, as the country today marks Babyloss Awareness Day in memory of all the babies that have died, Sam has shared her harrowing story of giving birth to her stillborn baby and her on-going battle to come to terms with her loss.

Sam, aged 35, said: "I remember it being Christmas Eve and I had terrible flu. The whole family had it.

"I collapsed into bed after a long day and thought the baby was very quiet, but I thought I'd had a rough day and I had felt it kick in the afternoon.

"On Christmas morning I got up and didn't feel right at all, so we went straight to hospital."

It was at hospital that Sam and Colin were told the heartbreaking news that their unborn baby was dead.

Sam said: "It was so surreal. It was like it was happening to someone else.

"At the time there was lots of stuff in the Press about how the Millennium Bug was going to cause havoc with technology and I convinced myself there was something wrong with the heartbeat monitor and scanning machine.

"Colin burst into tears as soon as he saw the scan and then we spent what felt like hours in floods of tears."

Sam was then told she would have to deliver her stillborn baby, and could not have a caesarean.

"I couldn't stop thinking of Bradley and thought I had to get home to him, it was Christmas Day," she said. "If you lose someone you love on Christmas Day it is difficult enough, let alone losing a baby and having to give birth to it."

Deciding she couldn't face it, Sam and Colin returned home to try and have as normal a Christmas Day with their son as possible.

"It was awful, all I could think about was that I was carrying around my dead daughter. The bump was still there but it was lifeless."

It was not until two days later, on December 27, 1999, that Sam's labour was induced and after an "agonising, painful and horrific" 13-hour labour she gave birth to her stillborn daughter, Madison Shelbie Jones, who weighed 5lbs and 4ounces.

The couple had just one hour with their daughter and now have three cherished pictures of her, one of which is given pride of place on their living room fireplace.

They were also given a certificate with her footprints and handprints and a lock of her hair.

Ten days after her birth the couple buried the daughter they would never get a chance to see grow up, at an emotional funeral which they decided just the two of them would attend.

"It was just a terrible, terrible time," she said. "I blamed myself. I felt like I must have done something wrong. It seems so unfair, so needless.

"I will never see my daughter take her first steps, have her first birthday or get married. I still have days when all I do is cry. I don't think I will ever get over it."

Sam has not let the experience put her off having more children and has since had another son, 18-month-old Grady.

Despite also suffering three miscarriages she has not ruled out having more, and desperately hopes for a family of four children.

"Some people may think I'm trying for another daughter, but that's not true. Whether I have a daughter or 100 more boys is fine by me.

"I could never replace my Madison. She will always be special to me and in my heart."

Sam felt she needed help from people who had gone through what she had and six weeks after Madison's death she contacted the Hereford and Worcester Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Society, which she now runs from her home in Ledbury.

The group offers help for people like Sam, a helpline and a Befriending Support service.

Sam said: "The group was like a lifeline for me and I would urge anyone who feels like they need to talk to get in touch."

To talk to Sam for support call her on 01531 633654.